Friday, July 27, 2012

Happy Birthday, Ian

Yesterday started with a poor night's sleep: three nightmares. We kept busy with lots of activities, but the busyness couldn't drown out the memories. Last night, as I held the boy who Is snuggled in my arms, I thought of the boy who Was, who I held in the palm of my hand four years ago.
He was meant to be, but not meant to stay. His short time on Earth left a deep scar on my heart.
He'd probably have blond hair and blue eyes like his sisters and brother. I wonder if he'd be a daredevil like his brother, running at 10 months, jumping off the piano at 12 months, making it all the way across the monkey bars at 18 months. Or would he be more studious, a builder, a thinker? Would he run the track with his daddy? Would he read books with me? Would he dress up and paint his nails with his sisters, then turn around and climb a tree?
Most of all, I wonder if he knows how much I love him, how much I wanted him, and how much I still grieve for him. Can he see me from Heaven? Is he with his sister, my other lost angel?
Ian (and Grace), Mama loves you so much. I long for the day I can finally hold you again.
I finally fell asleep, only to have more nightmares. I couldn't work up the energy to run yesterday, and I'll need to rest today to prepare for my 20 mile training tomorrow. I'll be carrying my angels in my heart to get me through.

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