9 weeks 1 day

After losing our son in May and getting through the recommended three month recovery period, Papa Runner and I talked about what we wanted to do. Neither of us were excited about jumping back on the TTC roller coaster, but at the same time we aren't getting any younger. The longer we wait, the harder (and higher risk) it would be. In the end we decided to "stop trying to control everything and see what happens," fully expecting it to take a while. 

Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
The stork.
"Say what now?"

God had other plans.

I've started writing and deleted this post a number of times already. I keep shaking every time I try, but here goes. Today I am 9 weeks 1 day into my seventh pregnancy with my eighth child. Yes, I'm counting days. Everything has gone well so far, and yet it's also been really stressful. I'm hyper-aware of every twitch and twinge. 

It was hard telling the kids. They are excited but also cautious. They asked if this baby will die, too. It's an important conversation to have, and a healthy one, but so hard. Monkey, especially, really really wants to be a big brother. He talks to the baby a lot, and reminds him/her not to come out too soon "or you'll die." He's been really sweet, reading stories to the baby and showing it how to try foods you don't like. Tonight when I put him to bed he said, "Oh, no, I didn't teach the baby anything today!" I said he could show it how to stay in bed at bedtime.

I haven't been to the doctor yet and don't plan to for a while. My fellow loss moms are like WHAAA? and my fellow high risk moms are like WHAAA? and my medical professional friends are like WHAAA? But last time I went early and often, submitted to every test no matter how ridiculous, and followed every recommendation, and none of it made a difference in the outcome. I can't think of a single thing they do in the first trimester that is either necessary or helpful for me. 

STD testing? I've been in a monogamous relationship for 13 years and had a clear test 6 months ago with the last pregnancy. No need to repeat it so soon.

Check hormone levels? None of my losses have been due to low progesterone. If they had been, I'd definitely do this one, but they weren't. 

Dating ultrasound? I've charted my cycles for 13 years and have scientific evidence proving when I ovulated. You can't get much more accurate than that. 

Do an ultrasound anyway just to make sure everything is okay? If they find a problem, there is nothing they can do about it at this stage; knowing won't change the outcome. And if they tell me everything is fine, that won't reassure me. Everything was fine just four days before Declan died, too.

Check my weight and blood pressure? I'm quite capable of checking it myself at home.

Remind me to take my vitamins and avoid alcohol? I should have that down by the seventh pregnancy.

The one thing I am curious about is the possibility of multiples. But because I have a tilted uterus, it's hard to get a clear shot abdominally at this stage. I'm not curious enough to use the dildo-cam just for this when, again, knowing won't change anything. 

I did call the OB's office and let them know so it's recorded in my chart. I'll probably make an appointment for around 20 weeks for an anatomy scan and start regular appointments then. Until then, I'm taking it one day and sometimes one hour at a time.

Prayers and positive thoughts are always appreciated.