Twenty Miles DONE!

I'm three weeks out from race day, and today was my longest training run. I did 20 miles and a bit in 4:37:50, which was ahead of my goal of 4:40. Plus I had negative splits, which means I was faster as I went on! My first 5 mile leg was 1:10, second and third also 1:10 but both included bathroom breaks, and last leg in 1:08. I feel good, no pain, still smiling at the end. I'm ready!

I've raised $3600 for the Preeclampsia Foundation. A few people have mentioned still wanting to donate, but I don't think I'll reach my $5000 goal. That's okay, $3600 is still a good amount. If anyone still wishes to donate, click on the What AM I Running For tab at the top of the page for instructions.

Happy Birthday, Ian

Yesterday started with a poor night's sleep: three nightmares. We kept busy with lots of activities, but the busyness couldn't drown out the memories. Last night, as I held the boy who Is snuggled in my arms, I thought of the boy who Was, who I held in the palm of my hand four years ago.

He was meant to be, but not meant to stay. His short time on Earth left a deep scar on my heart.

He'd probably have blond hair and blue eyes like his sisters and brother. I wonder if he'd be a daredevil like his brother, running at 10 months, jumping off the piano at 12 months, making it all the way across the monkey bars at 18 months. Or would he be more studious, a builder, a thinker? Would he run the track with his daddy? Would he read books with me? Would he dress up and paint his nails with his sisters, then turn around and climb a tree?

Most of all, I wonder if he knows how much I love him, how much I wanted him, and how much I still grieve for him. Can he see me from Heaven? Is he with his sister, my other lost angel?

Ian (and Grace), Mama loves you so much. I long for the day I can finally hold you again.

I finally fell asleep, only to have more nightmares. I couldn't work up the energy to run yesterday, and I'll need to rest today to prepare for my 20 mile training tomorrow. I'll be carrying my angels in my heart to get me through.

And I would walk 500 miles...

This song has been stuck in my head this week, for a very good reason! I've officially reached the halfway mark on my goal for the year: 508 miles done, 492 (or more) to go!

A Hard Day

The month of July starts off so well: our wedding anniversary is June 30th, and then the twins' birthday is July 7th. And then the 11th comes around. This was the estimated due date of my second child, who died in the first trimester. We named "her" Grace. She would have turned six this year.

As hard as this day is, I know the 26th will be harder. That's the day I lost my fourth child, Ian. I still can't bring myself to talk about much of the details of that day. I'm dreading the next two weeks. And that's all I have to say about that.